gl2_ 

F53Zr>,^ 


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*BAD  BEGINNING,  A.  25  cents.  A comedy  in  1 act,  by  Ernest 

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★ALICE'S  BLIGHTED  PROFESSION.  ‘ 25  cents.  A sketch  in  1 

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fession, which  she  does.  Recommended  for  schools.  & 

★HER  VICTORY.  25  cents.  A sketch  in  i act,  by  E.  M.  Crane,  for 

17  female  characters.  Scene,  interior  of  an  artist’s  studio  appropriately  furnished, 
and  arranged  with  such  properties  as  are  readily  available.  The  number  of  characters 
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An  episode  of  a girl’s  colony  in  far-famed  Greenwich  Village  of  New  York  City, 
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duces an  illustrator,  a “Movie  Queen,”  a darky  mammy,  a daughter  of  Erin,  etc. 
Gives  great  scope  for  character  portraval. 


A MANAGER’S  TRIALS 


A FARCE  !N  ONE  ACT 

i ' 

BY 

A.  LINCOLN  FISHER 


0©py*ight,  1894,  A.  Lincoln  Fimsi 


FITZGERALD  PUBLISHING  CORPORATION 

SUCCESSOR  TO 

Dick  & Fitzgerald 


18  Vesey  St., 


New  York 


A MANAGER’S  TRIALS. 

CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Daniel  Sloman 

Charles  Augustus  Sunflower, 

Bill  Scrapper 

Sissy  DeVere 

Fritz  Dinkelspiel. 

Orlando  Tatters 

Dennis  McSwat 

Mlle.  DeLimbes 

Eudoxia  Persimmons 


.A  Theatrical  Manager* 

. His  Dusky  Factotum . 

. A Bowery  Boy . 

.A  Pansy  Blossom . 

. A Stage-struck  Dutchman* 
, A Relic  of  the  Legitimate , 
“ One  av  de  FoinestP 
,A  High  Kicker . 

. “ A Timid  Little  Girl P 


Time  of  Playing — 30  Minutes. 

SCENE. 

A plain  interior  with  center  door,  and  windows  R.  and  L*  Chair  and 
table  R.  C.  Several  chairs  L.  c. 

PROPERTIES. 

Writing  paper,  envelopes,  pen,  inkstand  and  call-bell  on  table. 
Feather-duster  for  Sunflower.  Deck  of  playing  cards  for  Bill.  News* 
papers  for  Sloman  and  Bill.  Card  for  Mlle.  DeLimbes.  Large  valise 
for  Fritz.  Cane  for  Sissy.  Ragged  and  soiled  handkerchief  for  Tat- 
ters. Fan  for  Eudoxia.  Short  stuffed  club  for  Dennis. 

COSTUMES. 

Sloman. — Light  check  suit  with  Prince  Albert  coat;  flashy  necktie; 
white  gaiters  and  patent-leather  shoes;  light-colored  high  hat  with 
broad  black  band ; half  bald  auburn  wig. 

Sunflower. — Swallow-tail  coat  with  brass  buttons,  waist-coat  to 
match,  and  tightly  fitting  light  trousers.  High  collar,  gaudy  necktie, 
and  enormous  cuffs. 

Bill  Scrapper. — Short  sack-coat  (buttoned),  tightly  fitting  spring 
bottom  trousers,  and  cap  or  small  slouch  hat  cocked  over  one  eye.  Ex* 

tremely  tough.  \ 


4 


A MANAGER  S TRIALS. 


Sissy  DeVere. — Black  cutaway  coat  of  the  latest  pattern,  white 
vest,  light  gray  trousers,  white  gaiters  and  patent  leather  shoes,  stand- 
ing collar,  fashionable  scarf  and  cuffs.  A stylish  straw  hat,  or  light 
derby,  and  blonde  wig  with  center  parting. 

Fritz  Dinkelspiel. — White  duck  frock-coat  with  spreading  skirts, 
red  vest  and  very  baggy  “ high-water  ” pantaloons  of  white  duck.  Red 
socks  and  clumsy  low  shoes,  low-crowned  derby  hat ; brown  Dutch  wig 
and  chin  whiskers. 

Orlando  Tatters. — Very  seedy  black  suit  (Prince  Albert  coat), 
battered  high  hat,  foxy  shoes,  and  dirty  white  gaiters.  Wig  of  long 
black  hair. 

Dennis  McSwat. — Regular  policeman’s  uniform.  Red  Irish  wig 
and  whiskers. 

Mlle.DeLimbes. — Red  dress  with  long  accordeon-plaited  skirt,  red 
tights  and  slippers,  red  hat  and  parasol.  Blonde  wig  of  short  curling 
hair.  (This  character  can  be  assumed  by  a man.  He  should  be  a good 
female  impersonator,  both  in  looks  and  action.) 

Eudoxia  Persimmons. — Green  dress,  with  hoop-skirts,  green  bonnet 
with  gaudy  trimmings,  brown  wig  with  “ cork-screw  ” curls.  (This  part 
can  also  be  filled  by  a man.) 

ABBREVIATIONS. 

In  observing,  the  player  faces  the  audience.  R.  means  right ; L.,  left ; 
C.,  center;  R.  c.,  right  of  center;  L.  c.,  left  of  center;  I,  2 or  3 G.,  firstj 
second  or  third  grooves ; U p Stage,  toward  the  flat  or  back  scene 
Down  Stage,  toward  the  audience. 

R.  R.  C.  C.  L-  a u 


M # : .....  -s.-  _• . -^XL. 


A MANAGER’S  TRIALS. 


Scene. — Sloman’s  office , New  York  ( see  Scene  Plot.)  Cur - 

tain  rises  to  lively  music , discovering  Sunflower  engaged 

in  dusting . 

Sun.  Golly,  Massa  Sloman  ought  ter  be  heah  by  dis  time. 
It  am' ’way  aftah  nine  o’clock,  an*  he  am  gen’ly  in  befo*  dat. 
Wondah  when  he  am  gwine  to  pay  me  dem  wages  he’s  been 
owin’  me  fo’  de  las’  six  months.  Whenebber  I ax  him,  it  am 
always,  “ Jes’  wait,  Sunflowah,  till  I gets  a little  mo’  flush or 
“Youah  patience  shall  hab  its  reward  by  an’ by” — yas,  in  de 
sweet  by  an’  by,  I reckon.  Wal,  dis  yere  chile  am  gettin* 
kinder  tired  ob  dis  penuriousness,  an*  if  I doan  get  mah  wages 
in  full  befo’  long — sumfin’s  gwine  ter  go  up  in  spontaneous 
combusti cation,  suah.  ( Looking  out  center  door.)  Golly,  here 
comes  de  boss  now.  [ Goes  about , dusting  vigorously. 

Enter  Sloman,  c.  d. 

Slo.  Ah,  good-morning,  Sunflower. 

Sun.  ( dusting  furiously ).  Mornin*,  sah. 

Slo.  Any  callers  this  morning  ? 

Sun.  (still  dusting).  No,  sah. 

Slo.  Very  well,  Sunflower,  you  may  go.  I shan’t  need  you 
for  a while.  [ Seats  himself  at  table . 

Sun.  Yes,  sah.  (Starts  for  C.  D.,  but  pauses  when  he  reaches 
it.)  Say,  Mars’  Sloman  ! 

Slo.  Well,  what  is  it  ? 

Sun.  Wh-When’s  I gwine  to  git  dem  w-wages  ? 

Slo.  Ah,  always  harping  on  those  wages,  Sunflower. 
Haven’t  I repeatedly  endeavored  to  impress  upon  you  the  beauty 
of  cultivating  the  virtue  of  patience  ? 

Sun.  Yes,  sah  ; but — ■ 

Slo.  Ah,  let  there  be  no  “ buts  ” in  this  matter.  Patience, 
my  dear  Sunflower,  patience,  that’s  the  word.  Just  you  wait 

s 


6 


A MANAGER  S TRIALS. 


until  I get  the  Fly-by-Night  Folly  Company  on  the  road,  and  1*11 
make  your  eyes  stick,  yes,  sir,  fairly  bulge  out  of  your  head,  sir, 
to  see  the  piles  of  dust  we  shall  scoop,  Why,  my  dear  fellow, 
you  shall  receive  your  wages,  past,  present  and  future,  with  such 
unequaled  promptitude  as  will  fairly  get  out  an  injunction  on 
your  breathing  apparatus,  sir.  Think  of  that,  sir  ! 

Sun.  My  lan’lady  said  dat  ef  I don’t  settle  mah  board-bill 
•soon,  she  am  gwine  to  confiscate  mah  wa’drobe  ; and  de  wash- 
woman— 

Slo.  How  dare  you  mention  such  commonplace  things  as 
landladies  and  wash-women,  sir  ! Put  yourself  above  their  mer- 
cenary level.  Look  at  me,  sir;  I never  think  of  them,  (aside) 
but  quite  a number  of  them  are  thinking  of  me.  (To  Sun.) 
Now,  don’t  bother  me  any  more  to-day  about  those  wages. 
Time  will  make  everything  right.  Go  now,  and  don’t  admit 
any  one  for  the  next  half-hour.  I have  some  correspondence  to 
attend  to,  and  must  not  be  disturbed. 

Sun.  Yas,  sah.  (Aside.)  I needs  dem  wages  bad. 

[Exit,  c.  d. 

Slo.  I must  write  at  once  to  the  management  of  the  Mud- 
ville  Opera  House,  for  time.  I think  we  can  pull  big  houses 
there.  I need  a few  more  people  for  the  Fly-by-Night  Folly 
Company,  and  have  advertised  for  them  in  the  Morning  Bellows . 
There’s  nothing  like  advertising.  [Writes. 

Bill  Scrapper  (outside).  Wot’s  dat?  Can’t  come  in,  hey  ? 
Well,  I likes  dat  ! Here,  nigger,  jest  you  pay  yer  respects  ter 
McGinnis.  [Sunflower  is  heard  tumbling  downstairs . 

Slo.  (looking  up).  What  the  devil’s  that  ? That  infernal 
nigger’s  upset  something.  Just  wait  till  I get  through  with  this. 

[ Continues  his  writing . 

Enter  Bill,  c.  d.  Walks  to  Sloman’s  desk , slaps  down  his 

hand  and  leans  on  it  j other  hand  in  pocket . SLOMAN 

looks  up  in  indignant  surprise . 

Bill.  Are  you  de  boss  ? 

Slo.  (aside).  Confound  his  impudence  ! (To  Bill.)  The 
what  ? 

Bill.  De  boss.  Der  main  guy,  der  cove  wot  advertised  in 
d z Mornin'  Bellus  fer  people  fer  de  Fly-by-Night  Folly  Company. 
See  ? 

Slo..  Oh  yes,  I understand.  What  do  you  wish  to  do  ? 
Hustle  trunks  ? 

Bill  (threateningly).  Hey  ! [SLOMAN  starts  back . 

Slo.  Oh,  excuse  me  ! excuse  me  ! I’m  dreadfully  sorry,  Mr. 
— Mr.— 

Bill.  Scrapper,  Bill  Scrapper,  der  boss  swiper  of  der  Bowery. 

Slo.  Well,  I’m  dreadfully  sorry,  Mr.  Slapper— 


a manager’s  trials. 


7 


Bill.  Scrapper ! 

Slo.  Yes,  Mr.  Flapper — 

Bill.  See  here,  nibs  ! See  my  eye  ? See  dat  red  spot  in  it  ? 
Well,  dat’s  blood.  Yer  don’t  want  ter  get  my  handle  wrong 
again.  My  name’s  Scrapper — see  ? 

Slo.  Yes,  yes.  I beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Scrapper.  I’m  awfully 
sorry,  but  my  company  is  filled.  When  did  you  see  the  ad.  ? 

Bill.  Yesterday. 

Slo.  Well,  I’m  sorry,  but  you’re  a trifle  too  late,  Mr.  Scraper, 
— I mean  Scrapper, — I took  the  ad.  out  last  night. 

Bill.  Well,  why  didn’t  yer  say  so,  right  off? 

Slo.  Well,  you  see,  I am  very  busy  and  get  slightly  confused. 

Bill.  Oh,  dat’s  it,  is  it  ? Well,  if  yer  wants  a man  for  a boxin* 
team,  send  fer  Bill  Scrapper  on  the  Bowery.  Here’s  me  card 
( takes  a deck  of  playing-cards  from  his  pocket  and  throws 
down  the  ace  of  clubs'),  and  ’tain’t  no  bloomin’  ten-spot,  nuther. 

( Walks  to  c.  and  turns.)  An’  say,  boss,  yer  want  ter  teach  dat 
nigger  o’  yours  better  manners- — see  ? 

Slo.  Just  as  you  say,  Mr.  Scrapper  ; just  as  you  say. 

Bill.  Well,  see  dat  yer  do.  Mornin’,  boss  ; mornin’! 

Slo.  Good-morning,  sir.  [Bill  swaggers  out , C.  D. 

Slo.  I breathe  again.  I shall  breatne  still  harder  when  I call 
that  infernal  nigger  to  account  for  his  disobedience. 

[Taps  bell  furiously . 

Enter  Sunflower,  c.  d.,  in  a broken-up  state , limping. 

Slo.  Sunflower ! 

Sun.  Yas,  sah. 

Slo.  What  the  devil  made  you  let  that  duffer  in  ? 

Sun.  Wha'  duffah,  sah  ? 

Slo.  You  know  well  enough  whom  I mean.  That  gentle  cuss 
from  the  Bowery. 

Sun.  Mars’  Sloman,  ’deed  in  double  I didn*  lef  him  in. 

Slo.  What  ? After  deliberately  disobeying  my  orders,  you 
have  the  cheek  to  come  to  me  with  a lie  like  that  ? 

Sun.  Hab  a little  patience,  Mars*  Sloman.  Patience  am  de 
word — 

Slo.  Why,  you  impudent  lump  of  charcoal — 

Sun.  Now,  doan’t  git  ’cited,  Mars’  Sloman.  Ise  gwine  ter 
’splain  eberyt’ing.  Dat  bruiser  frum  de  Bow’ry  come  walkin’ 
upstars  an’  ax  ter  see  Mars’  Sloman.  Tell  ’im  Mars’  Sloman 
am  busy  ; cyan’t  see  Mars’  Sloman  no-how,  and  ’fore  dis  chile 
know  what’s  cornin’,  he  up  an’  grabs  me  by  de  scruff  ob  de  neck 
an’  frows  me  down  ’bout  sixteen  flights  ob  stairs.  Ef  dis  yere 
chile’s  head  hadn’  been  so  hard,  it’d  done  broke  fo*  suan. 
Reckon  it’ll  take  ’bout  fo’ty  lebben  quahts  ob  arnicum  ter  git 
dis  niggah  to  rights. 


8 


A manager’s  trial*. 


Slo.  Well,  Sunflower,  I’ll  excuse  you  this  time.  But  don’t 
let  it  happen  again.  Remember,  sir,  don't  let  it  happen  again. 

Sun.  ( aside ).  Ef  it  do,  dis  niggah  gwine  ter  git  anuder  siter- 
wation,  wages  or  no  wages.  (To  Sloman.)  Yes,  Mars’  Slo- 
man.  [Limps  out , C.  D. 

Slo.  Well,  I don’t  think  I want  Mr.  Scrapper,  Mr.  Bill  Scrap- 
per of  the  Bowery  in  my  snap  ; excuse  me . Now  I’ll  just  finish 
this  letter  and  let  Sunflower  crawl  to  the  nearest  mail-box  with 
it.  ( Writes  rapidly , finishes  letter , places  it  in  envelopet  seals 
and  addresses  it.)  There,  that’ll  fix  ’em.  [ Taps  hell. 

Enter  Sunflower,  c.  d. 

Slo.  Sunflower,  mail  this  (hands  letter ),  and  don’t  let  it  take 
you  a week. 

Sun.  Yas,  sah.  [Limps  out,  c.  D. 

Slo.  Now  I’ll  devote  a little  of  my  time  to  perusing  the 
columns  of  the  Morning  Bellows . ( Takes  newspaper  from 

his  pocket.)  I wonder  if  it  has  anything  to  say  about — 

Enter  Mlle.  DeLimbes,  c.  d. 

Slo.  Ah,  good-morning,  Ma’am.  What  can  I do  for  you  ? 

Mile.  Ah,  Monsieur,  haf  I ze  plasire  to  address  ze  Monsieur 
Sloman,  vat  advairtize  in  ze  papaire  ? 

Slo.  Well,  I should  say  so.  Whom,  may  I ask,  have  I the 
pleasure  of  addressing  ? [Mlle.  hands  him  a card. 

Slo.  (reading).  Mademoiselle  DeLimbes,  Opera  Comique, 
Paris.  (To  Mlle.)  Ah,  a singer? 

Mile.  Non,  non,  Monsieur. 

Slo.  What  is  your  line,  then  ? 

Mile,  (puzzled).  Line— line  ? Vat  you  call  ze  “ line  ” ? 

Slo.  I mean — (aside) — Oh  what  in  blazes  do  I mean  ? (To 
Mlle.)  Oh,  I meant  to  ask  what  is  the  nature  of  your  per- 
formance ? 

Mile.  Pairformance  ? Ah,  zat  ees  good.  Iam  von  skirt 
dansaire — vat  ze  homme  Americane  call  ze — ze  high  kickaire. 

[Kicks. 

Slo.  I understand  perfectly.  (Placing  chair  for  her,  and 
putting  another  beside  it  for  himself.)  And  now  if  you  will  be 
seated,  my  dear,  we  will  talk  matters  over. 

[Mlle.  takes  one  of  the  chairs  and  Sloman 
seats  himself  beside  her. 

Slo.  In  the  first  place,  my  dear,  can  you  give  me  an  idea  of 
the  salary  you  expect  to  receive  ? 

Mile.  In  Paree  I get  ze  250  francs  von  week. 

Slo.  Two  hundred  and  fifty  francs  l Great  Caesar  ! Two 
hundred  and  fifty  francs  1 Well  now,  I am  not  so  sure  that  I 


A manager's  TRIALS.  9 

can  afford  to  pay  you  a corresponding  sum.  You  see — you 
see — 

Mile.  Oh  yes,  Monsieur,  I have  ze  good — what  you  call  him 
- — eyesight. 

Slo.  I was  not  alluding  to  your  eyesight,  my  dear,  which  I 
presume  is  first-class.  I was  referring  to  your  salary. 

Mile.  Ah,  I shall  see  ze  salary.  Excellente  ! So  rair  often 
I not  see  ze  salary  in  Paree. 

Slo.  {aside).  You  wbn’t  see  much  of  it  here.  ( To  Mlle.) 
Now  I am  perfectly  willing  to  engage  you  at  two  dollars  and 
cakes. 

Mile.  Two  dollaire  ! It  ees  so  vair  small. 

Slo.  Well,  come  to  think  of  it,  it  is  rather  small ; I’ll  add  an- 
other to  it  if.it  breaks  my  heart.  Ah,  Mademoiselle,  I can’t  resist 
the  pleading  of  your  glorious  eyes.  Behold,  I add  another  and 
make  it  three  dollars  and  cakes. 

Mile.  Cakes, — cakes  ? Vot  you  call  cakes  ? 

Slo.  Why,  your  board,  feed,  hash,  grub.  Just  think  of  it, — • 
three  dollars  and  cakes  ! 

Mile.  Monsieur  ees  vair  considerate. 

Slo.  You  will  accept  my  terms  ? 

Mile.  Monsieur,  I vill  think — 

Slo.  Don’t,  my  dear,  don’t  think,  it’s  dangerous.  (Aside.) 
I must  have  her  at  all  hazards.  (To  Mlle.)  Remember,  I am 
making  you  an  unusual  offer,  and  why  ? Because,  Mademoiselle, 
your  beauty  overpowers  me  and  makes  me  relax  my  usually  in- 
flexible rules.  When  you  entered  that  portal  (points  to  door), 
bringing  with  you,  as  it  were,  the  very  presence  of  an  angel,  my 
whole  soul  bowed  to  the  magic  influence  of  your  loveliness. 
When  your  musical  voice,  beside  which  the  notes  of  a flute  are 
a burlesque,  and  the  far-famed  ^Eolian  harp  an  everlasting 
humbug,  began  to  exert  its  gentle  influence  upon  the  atmosphere 
of  this  room,  I was,  as  it  were,  enthralled — your  willing  slave. 

Mile,  Monsieur  flatters  me. 

Slo.  Flatter  you  ! Mademoiselle,  it  is  impossible.  The 
beauty  that  called  me  to  worship  it  so  moved  me,  that,  struggle 
as  I might,  I could  not  refuse  you  an  advance  on  my  first  offer. 

Mlle.  Monsieur  is  certain  zat  he  means  all  he  say  ? 

Slo.  Mean  it  ? Well,  I should  puff  a cigarette  ! 

Mlle.  Monsieur  vill  please  refrain  from  ze  cigarette.  It 
make  ze  head  to  ache.  I cannot  stand  him. 

Slo.  You  misunderstand  me.  I meant  to  convey,  in  a figure 
of  speech,  that  I was  thoroughly  in  earnest  in  what  I have  said 
to  you. 

Mlle.  I can  place  ze— ze  reliance  on  Monsieur’s  vords  ? 

Slo.  I’ll  take  my  oath  on  a stack  of  dictionaries  as  high  as  a 
tenement. 


IO 


a manager’s  trials. 


Mile.  I vill  not  give  Monsieur  ze  trouble  ze  dictionaries  to 
procure.  I take  him  at  hees  word,  and  ze  terms  I accept. 

Slo.  Ah,  I knew  you’d  do  it.  Fairest  of  the  fair,  long  has 
my  bosom  yearned  for  the  possession  of  such  a glorious  creature  ; 
and  my  heart  swells  with  pride  to  know  that  I have  secured  so 
great  a card.  Thus  do  I pay  homage  to  unquestionable  worth. 
(Rises,  takes  her  hand  and  kisses  it  j Sunflower  blunders  in, 
c.  D.) 

Sun.  ’Scuse  me  ! Ise  not  lookin’. 

[Exit,  c.  D.  ; Mlle.  rises  suddenly u 
Slo.  (confusedly).  Yes,  yes,  as  I was  saying,  you  may — that 
is,  you  may  consider  yourself  er — er — engaged,  yes,  engaged,  i, 
(A fide.)  Confound  that  infernal  nigger  ! (To  Mlle.)  Call 
around  to-morrow  morning  at  nine,  and  I’ll  sign  you. 

Mlle.  Vair  veil,  Monsieur  Sloman,  I shall  not  forge.t.  Three 
dollaire  and  ze  cakes.  Aha  ! Bon  jour,  Monsieur  Sloman,  bon 
jour. 

Slo.  Bon  jour,  Madamoiselle,  bon  jour,  over  the  river,  skip 
the  gutter,  and  so  forth,  etc.,  good-day. 

[Sloman  bows  extravagantly  as  Mlle.  retires,  c.  D. 
Slo.  Ah,  that’s  the  way  to  get  on  the  right  side  of  those 
French  people.  Flatter  them,  and  all  is  lovely  and  plain  sailing. 
(Looks  at  card.)  Madamoiselle  DeLimbes  ; from  Paris.  She 
shall  occupy  a prominent  place  on  the  bills.  No  doubt  I shall 
be  able  to  draw  all  Mudville  ; and  to  think  that  I should  have 
secured  such  a dais)  for  three  dollars  and  cakes  ! Sloman, 
old  boy,  you’re  a genius.  Isn’t  she  a beauty  ! If  I’m  not  care- 
ful I'll  lose  my  head  and  pay  her  salary.  But,  my  gracious,  I 
can  imagine  what  a pleasant  view  our  front  row  will  afford  a 
hair  restorative  manufacturer  1 Confound  that  meddling  nigger  ! 

I might  have  buzzed  her  half  an  hour  longer.  I’ll  get  even  with 
him,  I’ll  just — - 

Fritz  Dinkelspiel,  who  has  entered,  c.  d.,  during  Sloman’s 
speech,  after  gawking  about  the  room,  bumps  into  him  at 
this  point,  Sloman,  who  has  been  standing  with  his  back 
toward  the  door  and  has  not  observed  Fritz,  turns  angrily 
upon  him, 

Slo.  What  the  devil  do  you  want  here  ? Can’t  you  see  where 
you’re  going  ? 

Fritz.  Ach  ! Oxcuse  me,  misder.  I vas  looking  for  dot  Mr. 
Daniel  Shlomans. 

Slo.  Well,  you  have  a confoundedly  queer  way  of  looking 
for  people.  I’m  Mr.  Sloman.  What  do  you  want  ? 

Fritz,  Vos  you  Mr.  Shlomans  ? Veil,  veil,  veil  ! 

Slo.  Don’t  you  believe  it?  Do  you  want  me  to  make  an 
affidavit  ? 


A MANAGER  S TRIALS. 


It 


Fritz.  Nein,  I don’d  vant  some  affidavits.  You  vas  Mr. 
Shlomans  ? Veil,  veil,  veil ! 

Slo.  See  here,  Pretzels.  My  time  is  valuable  and  I can’t 
waste  it  chinning  with  you.  Now  state  your  business,  and  be 
quick  about  it. 

Fritz.  Peeshness  ? Oh,  yaw  ; I almost  forgod  me  aboud 
dot.  I vant  to  get  me  a shob. 

Slo.  You  want  to  get  a “ shob  ” ? 

Fritz.  Yaw,  dot’s  yust  vat  I say  me. 

Slo.  What  the  deuce  do  you  mean  ? 

Fritz.  Don’d  you  know  vat  a shob  vas  ? Veil,  py  shimminy 
cracious,  I vant  somedings  to  do. 

Slo.  Oh,  you  mean  a job. 

Fritz.  Yaw,  dot’s  it.  A shob. 

Slo.  I am  sorry  I can’t  accommodate  you.  I have  a janitor, 
Fritz.  Shanitor ! Dunder  und  blitzen  ! I don’d  vant  to  pe 
some  shanitors.  I vas  an  actor  man. 

Slo.  The  devil ! 

Fritz.  Nein,  py  Peesmarck  ! You  dinks  I was  der  tuyfel  ? 
Slo.  Oh,  no.  You  don’t  look  it.  But  what  in  blazes  can 
you  do  ? 

Fritz.  I do  me  noddings  in  plazes.  I do  me  some  singing  on 
dot  stage. 

Slo.  Oh,  you  sing,  do  you  ? 

Fritz.  Yaw  ; und  tance,  und  grack  shokes. 

Slo.  Well,  let’s  hear  you. 

[Fritz  starts  a song  ( any  chestnut  will  serve  the  purpose'), 
Sloman  stops  his  ears  with  his  fingers . 

Slo.  Stop  it  1 Stop  it ! [Fritz  continues . 

Slo.  Stop  it,  or  I’ll  call  the  police  ! 

Fritz.  Don’d  you  vas  like  dot,  Mr.  Shlomans  ? 

Slo.  Well,  I should  remark  not ! 

Fritz.  I grack  some  shokes  for  you. 

Slo.  If  you  do,  I’ll  crack  your  skull. 

Fritz.  Vot  vas  der  difference  bed  ween  a — 

Slo.  Shut  up  ! 

Fritz,  Yust  led  me  oxblain  dot  shoke. 

Slo.  You’ll  explain  nothing. 

[i Grabs  Fritz  by  the  collar  and  runs  him  out , c.  D. 
Fritz  is  heard  rolling  downstairs, 

Re-enter  Sloman. 

Slo.  I think  I’ve  cured  him.  ' I wonder  how  he  likes  that 
song  and  dance.  I’ll  have  to  purchase  a Gatling  gun  for  the 
benefit  of  such  interesting  people. 


12 


A MANAGER  S TRIALS. 


Enter  Sissy  DeVere,  c.  d. 

Sissy.  He,  he,  he  ! Are  you  Mr.  Sloman  ? 

[Business  of  sucking  cane-head. 

Slo.  (aside).  Tell  what  it  is,  and  you  can  have  it.  (To 
Sissy.)  Yes,  I'm  Mr.  Sloman.  Who  are  you  ? 

Sis.  Me  ? Oh,  I’m  Sissy,  he,  he,  he,  he ! 

[ Business  with  cane-head. 

Slo.  (imitating).  Oh,  you’re  Sissy,  he,  he,  he,  he,  are  you  ? 
Sissy  what  ? 

Sis.  Oh,  sugah,  how  stupid  of  me  ! Sissy  DeVere. 

Slo.  Well,  Mr.  Sissy  DeVere,  what’s  your  business  with  me? 

Sis,  Business  ? Oh,  sugah,  to  be  suah — 

Slo.  Do  you  take  this  place  for  a grocery  ? 

Sis,  Oh,  sugah  ; you  don’t  understand,  Mr.  Sloman  ! Let  me 
finish. 

Slo.  I’ve  no  time  for  you.  This  is  no  place  for  drummers. 

Sis,  Drummer  ? I’m  no  drummer  ; I’m  an  actor,  he,  he,  he  ! 

[ Business  with  cane-head. 

Slo.  (aghast).  Holy  Moses  ! 

Sis.  Yes,  a tragedian. 

Slo.  Well,  well,  well, — wonders  will  never  cease.  You  an 
actor — a tragedian  ! When  did  you  find  it  out  ? Who  told  you  ? 

Sis,  Nobody.  It’s  born  in  me. 

Slo.  Ye  Gods  ! 

Sis.  Oh,  yes.  Let  me  recite  something. 

Slo.  Please  don’t. 

Sis,  Oh,  but  you  don’t  know  how  nicely  I can  recite. 

Slo.  I’ll  take  your  word  for  it.  I don’t  want  any  proofs. 

Sis.  No,  but  let  me  give  you  a little  extract  from  Hamlet 
It’s  one  of  my  favorites.  (Starts  in  rapidly.) 

" To  be  or  not  to  be,  that  is  the  question. 

Whether  *tis  nobler  in  the  mind  to  suffer 
The  slings  and  arrows  of  outrageous — ” 

Slo.  ( interrupting ).  Well,  this  is,  devilish  outrageous,  devilish 
outrageous,  sir  l Get  out  of  this,  or  there’ll  be  a funeral  in  the 
DeVere  family. 

Sis.  You  needn’t  get  angry,  Mr.  Sloman. 

Slo.  Get  angry  ? Get  angry  ? Why,  such  an  offence  as  you 
have  dared  to  perpetrate  ought  to  be  punishable  by  hanging. 
Your  people  should  chain  you  up  or  put  you  into  a lunatic 
asylum,  sir. 

Sis.  Sir!! 

Slo.  Yes,  sir  ! ! 

Sis.  (backing  toward  C.  D.).  You’re  a mean,  nasty,  horrid 
man  ! and  I’ll  never  speak  to  you  again.  So,  there  ! (At  door.) 
Oh,  you  horrid  thing  l [Sloman  makes  a dash  at  him,  and 
s \ «/>  « * he  vanishes. 


A manager’s  trials. 


>3 


Slo.  Well,  that’s  the  worst  specimen  that's  struck  this  place 
this  morning.  I'll  have  to  barricade  the  doors.  I wonder  where 
that  nigger  Sunflower  is  ? Asleep  in  the  hall,  probably.  I'll 
wake  him  up  ! [ Starts  for  door  when 

Enter  Orlando  Tatters. 

Tat.  Good-morrow,  friend  Sloman ; how  goes  the  yrorld 
with  you  ? 

Slo,  ( aside ).  By  the  ghost  of  Caesar,  whom  have  we  here  ? 

Tat,  Do  you  remember  me,  friend  Sloman  ? 

Slo,  I do  not,  sir. 

Tat,  What ! not  remember  Orlando  Tatters,  who  made  the 
welkin  ring  with  his  name  five  years  ago,  here  in  New  York? 

[ Extends  hand . 

Slo.  (i ignoring  it).  No,  sir  ; I do  not  remember  any  such 
person. 

Tat.  ( taking  out  a soiled  handkerchief  and  wiping  his  eyes). 
Ah,  so  it  goes  ; when  misery  and  want  o'ertake  us  poor  unfor- 
tunates, our  old  associates  know  us  no  more. 

Slo.  I never  did  know  you.  I believe  you're  a beat. 

Tat.  ( assuming  a grand  air).  A beat ! The  blood  of  the 
ancient  race  of  Tatters  boils  within  me  at  the  insult.  Orlando 
Tatters,  the  once  famous  tragedian,  to  have  the  name  of  “ beat " 
flung  in  his  very  teeth  ! 

Slo.  You  needn’t  get  a fit  of  heroics.  You're  not  the  first 
of  your  kind  that’s  struck  me.  They  all  have  the  same  story. 

Tat.  Never,  sir  l never  l I claim  that  mine  is  the  only  one 
of  its  kind  in  the  country,  sir  l A real  original  story  that  cannot 
be  equalled  or  excelled. 

Slo.  Bah ! 

Tat.  Friend  Sloman,  had  I known  that  I was  to  meet  with 
contempt  and  insult,  I should  never  have  crossed  your  threshold. 

Slo,  I wish  you  had  known  it,  then. 

Tat.  When  I ^entered  your  office,  it  was  with  the  desire  of 
conferring  upon  you  the  honor  of  lending  a quarter  to  the  once 
famous  Orlando  Tatters.  You  have  wounded  my  feelings,  sir. 
Subjected  me  to  scorn  and  mockery  ! But  see  how  the  nobility 
of  the  heart  of  Orlando  Tatters  soars  above  your  mercenary 
meanness.  I still  offer  you  the  honor. 

Slo.  And  I most  emphatically  decline  it. 

Tat,  (wiping  his  eyes).  My  heart  is  full,  but  my  stomach, 
alas,  is  empty.  Canst  thou  not  lend  me  a dime  wherewith  to 
purchase  a seductive  oyster  soup  ? 

Slo.  Try  the  free  lunch  counter,  (aside)  as  I do  frequently. 

Tat.  Alas,  wherever  I go  I am  greeted  with  the  cruel  sign, 
u No  beer,  no  lunch." 

Slo*  Then  you  must  devise  means  of  getting  beer. 


14  a manager's  trials. 

Tat.  Alas,  my  pockets,  like  my  stomach,  are  devoid  of  full* 

ness. 

Slo.  Now,  see  here,  anybody  can  get  things  with  money.  It 
takes  a man  of  tact  and  genius  to  get  them  without  money. 
Look  at  me.  Do  I look  hungry  ? 

Tat,  No,  friend  Sloman. 

Slo.  Then  gall  it,  as  I do  ; you  people  deserve  to  suffer. 
Good-day,  Mr.  Tatters. 

Tat,  Do  you  mean  to  intimate  that  this  interview  is  at  an 
end  ? 

Slo*  I do. 

Tat.  Can  you  not  even  let  me  have  a chew  of  tobacco  ? 

Slo.  You’ll  probably  find  the  nigger  in  the  hallway.  He 
chews.  Now  git ! [. Points  to  door . 

Tat.  I’ll  stand  no  longer  on  the  order  of  my  going. 

[ Goes  out  tragically . 

Slo.  All  sorts  and  sizes.  Any  variety  you  want.  Now  I’ll 
go  and  knock  the  block  off  that  nigger  1 (About  to  go , but  is 
met  at  the  door  by  Eudoxia  Persimmons.) 

Eud.  Can  I see  Mr.  Sloman  ? 

Slo.  (aside).  Great  heavens  ! Another  phenomenon  ! (To 
Eudoxia.)  I am  Mr.  Sloman. 

Eud.  Oh,  how  lovely!  My  dear  Mr.  Sloman,  I’ve  heard  that 
you  want  some  people  for  your  company. 

Slo.  Indeed  ? 

Eud.  Yes,  I saw  your  advertisement  in  the  newspaper,  and 
I decided  to  come  around  and  apply. 

Slo.  Very  commendable  indeed  (aside)  for  an  old  hen  like 
that.  (To  Eudoxia.)  I am  afraid  I’ll  have  to  disappoint  you. 
There  are  no  vacancies  in  the  ballet. 

Eud.  (hiding  her  face  with  her  fan).  Oh,  Mr.  Sloman,  how 
can  you  ? 

Slo.  Oh,  I beg  your  pardon.  No  offence,  I hope. 

Eud.  Oh,  no  ; only  I am  such  a timid  little  girl.  [ Giggles . 

Slo.  ( unguardedly ).  Is  that  so  ? I’d  nevePhave  thought  it. 

Eud.  Sir  ! ! 

Slo.  Oh,  excuse  me  ! Beg  pardon,  a thousand  times.  Does 
your  husband  approve  of  your  inclinations  ? 

Eud.  Husband  ? Husband  ? I want  you  to  understand  that 
I am  a lone,  innocent,  unprotected  girl."  I’m  plain  every-day 
Miss  Eudoxia  Persimmons  ; and  if  you  think  you  can  insult  tne 
just  as  you  please,  because  I am  without  a protector,  you  are 
very  much  mistaken,  Mr.  Sloman.  I can  take  my  own  part, 
sir,  and  you  will  find  out  that  I’m  not  to  be  trampled  upon  by 
you  men ! 

Slo.  Great  heavens,  it  goes  off  like  an  alarm  clock  ! (To 
Eudoxia.)  Oh,  excuse  me.  Miss  Persimmons ; I assure  you 


A manager’s  trials. 


15 


I meant  no  harm.  It’s  only  a peculiar  way  of  questioning  that 
I have.  Now  that  I look  at  you  more  closely,  I see  how  stupid 
I was.  Why,  you  don’t  look  a day  over  sixteen.  (Aside.)  She’s 
a hundred  at  least. 

Eud.  (simpering).  Oh,  Mr.  Sloman,  you  flatter  me  ! 

Slo.  No,  indeed,  my  dear  Miss  Persimmons.  (Aside.)  I’ll 
have  some  sport  with  the  old  gal.  (To  Eudoxia.)  Ah,  Eudoxia, 
if  I may  be  permitted  to  call  you  so  ; Eudoxia,  there  is  no  light 
(aside)  except  that  of  a kerosene  lamp  (to  Eudoxia)  that  can  be 
compared  to  the  light  of  your  eyes.  Those  beautiful  ringlets  ! 
(Business.)  Those  fairy  dimples  1 [Business . 

Eud.  Oh  ! [, Hiding  face  with  fan . 

Slo.  Those  cherry  lips  ! [Business. 

[Eudoxia  goes  toward  him  as  if  to  kiss  him. 

Slo.  (retreating).  Not  so  fast ! plenty  of  time.  (Aside.)  I’m 
not  fond  of  dried  cherries,  anyhow.  (To  Eudoxia.)  Eudoxia, 
why  did  you  ever  cross  my  path,  to  awaken  a passion  in  my 
bosom  which  I am  sure  you  can  never  return  ? 

Eud.  Oh,  my  dear  Mr.  Sloman,  do  not  despair.  I am  yours 
forever ! [ About  to  throw  her  arms  around  him. 

Slo.  ( retreating ).  Not  if  I know  it ! Keep  your  distance, 
you  old  century  plant ! 

Eud.  (staggering).  What  ? 

Slo.  Don’t  bring  that  ancient  mug  of  yours  so  close  to  me. 

Eud.  Oh  ! Oh  l This  is  too  much  ! 

Slo.  I should  say  so. 

Eud.  I shall  faint ! 

Slo.  Don’t.  You  might  spoil  the  carpet. 

Eud.  Oh,  you  base,  deceitful  wretch  1 I’d  like  to  scratch 
your  eyes  out ! [Runs  at  him. 

Slo.  ( retreating  behind  table).  Don’t  trouble  yourself,  please. 

Enter  Bill  Scrapper,  with  newspaper  in  hand.  Eudoxia 
retreats , L. 

Bill  (to  Sloman).  So  yer  took  der  “ ad.”  out  o’  der  paper, 
did  yer  ? Yer  t’ought  I wasn’t  good  enough  fer  yer,  hey  ? An’ 
tried  ter  give  me  a stiff  about  dat  “ad.”?  (Throws  off  his 
coat.)  I’m  goin’  to  do  yer  up  in  about  two  shakes.  See  ? 

Eud,  Heavens,  what  a desperate  man  ! [Looks  on  horrified. 

Slo.  (aside).  Now  I’m  a goner,  sure.  (To  Bill.)  Really,  Mr. 
Scrapper — 

# Bill  (C.).  Oh,  yer  can’t  work  der  confused  racket  on  me  dis 
time.  I’m  out  fer  blood  ! See  ? Prepare  ter  die  a natural 
death.  [Advancing. 

Eud.  ( 'running  to  window , L.\.  Help  ! Murder  l Police  1 


16 


A MANAGERS  TRIALS. 


Bill  advances  upon  Sloman.  They  circle  around  the  table . 
Sunflower  runs  in  hurriedly , sees  Scrapper,  turns  to  flee 
and  bumps  into  Fritz  Dinkelspiel  who  is  just  entering. 
They  clinch , fall  and  roll  down  C.,  Fritz  holding  on  to  his 
valise . Officer  McSwat  enters  hurriedly , followed  by 
Orlando  Tatters. 

Eud,  Help  ! Save  me.  [Tatters  catches  her  in  his  arms 

and  fans  her  with  his  hat . 

McSwat  {grabbing  Bill  by  the  collar ).  Ah,  Scrapper,  ye 
omadhaun,  Oi  know  ye,  an*  ye  know  that  Oi  know  ye.  Comean. 

Bill  struggles  and  is  clubbed  by  McSwat.  Sunflower  and 
Fritz  reach  c.  d.  in  their  struggles , and  Sunflower  throws 
Fritz  downstairs , the  noise  of  which  can  be  simulated  in 
the  wings . Sunflower  returns  in  triumph  with  Fritz’s 
valise , and  Sloman,  utterly  exhausted , falls  forward  across 
the  table . 

Sun,  (R.,  holdingup  valise ).  To  de  victors  belong  de  spoils  ! 
Tat,  {fanning  Eudoxia).  By  my  halidom,  this  beats  per- 
petual motion  ! 

McSwat  {holding  Bill  by  collar , C.  D.,  and  pointing  off  L. 
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Sloman.  Tatter& 

Sunflower.  Eudoxia. 


CURTAIN. 


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